Mark Ruffalo Ripped My Eyebrow Off

The other day when I was in Vegas, for no particular reason, I stopped at Jersey Mike’s for a below average sub to soak up my fifteen gin and tonics. I ordered a tuna sandwich with salami, ham, turkey, lettuce, tomato, onion, peppers, pickles, garlic aioli, olive loaf, cheddar cheese, swiss cheese, mustard, mayo and balsamic vinaigrette. I dragged my 10-pound meal between bread out the door and started unwrapping it. But before I could even take a bite, Mark Ruffalo came out of nowhere and ripped my eyebrow off.

The most recent man to don the Hulk’s purple shorts sped by me and took my eyebrow clean off my face. I know what everyone’s thinking; Short Stack was acting like a jackass and the supporting actor from “Shutter Island” taught him a lesson he shan’t soon forget. But I really don’t think I provoked Mark into claiming my eye sweater for himself. However, let me share what I DO know.

It was a brisk November evening on the Strip. Folks were walking around in sweatshirts, jackets and knit hats. I know I said that I was there “for no particular reason,” but that is not entirely truthful. My cousin was throwing a swinger’s party at which my wife and I were attendees. She got sent home with Mr. tall, tan and handsome while I got sent to work with Mrs. Hoffmeyer at Jersey Mike’s. That’s beside the point, although it does explain my unfortunate location at which Mr. Ruffalo cleared the left side of my forehead.

Anyways, back to the weather. It was pretty cold and any fella without eyebrows would have been miserable outside. The weather wasn’t the only factor. Before the incident occurred, I read a short article which stated that Mark Ruffalo’s eyebrows were lost in a freak accident a few days ago. Supposedly, Mark fell down an open sewer grate and scraped his eyebrows off on the side of the street. Poor guy.

That brings us to the event in question. There I was, mouth open, prepared to bite into my disgusting sub. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a panicking Mark Ruffalo barreling toward me holding a jar that read, “stranger’s eyebrows.” I could see the feeling of distress on his face as he stole the hair from above my right eyelid. At first I was stunned and a little angry. That was my favorite eyebrow. Then, I remembered the article and how cold it was. I started feeling sorry for Mark Ruffalo. After all, the guy had just lost his eyebrows in a crazy accident and he must have been freezing that night.

Even though I totally miss my eyebrow, I can at least live happily knowing that somehow, somewhere, my eyebrow is making a difference in Mark Ruffalo’s life.

-Short Stack

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