Morty’s Monthly Advice Column

Hello my name is Morty and I will be answering readers questions and posting them to the speaking in Unison website with the help of my grandson Elliot Liebowitz. Mr. Spanky thought that I might provide useful feedback answering some peoples questions in an advice column because of all my years of life experience.

Lets check the first question: “Hi Morty, I am a college Freshman and me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost 8 months now. I decided to stay home and attend a school local to me while my girlfriend went to a large school down south. What is your best advice for making a long distance relationship work? Thanks -Kyle”

Hi Kyle, your situation reminds me of my time in the army. Before I was medically discharged for a severe case of hemorrhoids the love of my life Ethel Guberman were apart from a very long time. A very long time. Luckily she had many gentleman friends who kept her company while I was away at war. And ill tell you what, I save a lot of money with my veterans discount. I tried to use the discount at the Stone Cold Creamery when I took my grandkids and the young lady at the register said I couldn’t use it. Can you believe that. She didn’t let me use my discount and I had to speak to the manager. The worst part, the worst part ill tell you is the ice cream was $12 for a small cone. A small cone with 2 toppings. Can you tell me why a small cone would cost $12? I told my grandchildren that we just can’t go to Cone Stone Creamery anymore.

Here’s another question “Hi Morty, I’m a new mother and need some advice on what to do when my baby develops diaper rash? I’ve tried everything but nothing seems to work- Thanks -Margarette ”      

Thanks for the question Margarette. Being a first time mother is hard and it can be a slippery at times. Maybe just as slippery icy steps on my mail route. You see when I was a mail carrier, there was an older gentleman who would refuse to clear his steps. Every winter I would refuse to climb up those steps because it was just dangerous. He would call the post office and complain that I would rubber-band his mail and throw it on his porch. But I said I’m not climbing up those icy steps!. I did. I really did say that. And for years and years we go back and back forth and I told him I’m not climbing up those steps if there’s ice on them. I wasn’t trying to be mean but it really was just very dangerous. And this guy would call and complain. He would complain about me constantly. And I’ll tell you what I did. One day he received a check from the social security office and you know what I did with it. I ripped it up. I ripped it right up and flushed it down the toilet.  

Ok here’s the last one for today: “Morty, I just graduated college and am still in search of a job. Do you have any advice on where to look? -Andrew”

Now Andrew, after I retired from the post office my friend David Harmon got me a job delivering honey-baked hams and let me tell you what happened. I delivered a couple hams, whole hams, very big whole hams to a church and the lady tipped me $35. It was very nice. It was a nice tip. And when I got back my boss, she says did you get a tip and I say yeah and she says that I cant keep the tip. Can you believe that. I said why not. You cant keep the tip? I do the work and I can’t keep the tip? It seems to me that if I do all the work I should keep all the tip. You know what I did? I quit. I kept the $35 and I never went back. If I do all the work driving the hams and carrying the hams I should get all of the tip. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. And those hams are heavy. They really are. They’re heavy hams.

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