John Goodman Groped My Cousin Justin At A Family Barbecue

That’s right folks. The man who voiced Sully in Pixar’s classic “Monsters Inc.” sexually assaulted my 28-year-old cousin Justin at a family barbecue. And no, I am not related to John Goodman.

My family and I were at a backyard cookout celebrating my uncle’s retirement from 30 amazing years at IBM when John Goodman walked in through the gate.

At first, we were absolutely ecstatic. The “Big Lebowski” star was in our backyard enjoying the day with us. We played cornhole, exchanged a few laughs, and even shotgunned a few beers together.

Everything was going great until my uncle offered my cousin Justin a freshly grilled hot dog. Uncle Ronnie had picked up a dog with his tongs and was about to place it in Justin’s open bun. And out of nowhere, John Goodman’s bare cock stole the hot dog’s final resting place and shocked all of us.

We all stared at my cousin and John Goodman as the television and movie star’s penis lay where a frankfurter should have. Subsequently, John Goodman stated firmly “Hot dog time, hot dog time,” as he grabbed and cupped Justin’s penis. It was safe to say that John Goodman had overstayed his welcome.

We had a fun afternoon with Dan O’Connor from Roseanne but the uncalled-for groping of my innocent cousin Justin made us all feel a little strange.

-Short Stack

4 thoughts on “John Goodman Groped My Cousin Justin At A Family Barbecue

  1. Rich Weber says:

    Hi Short Stack, it’s Rich from Funny or Die. I read your article and thought it was hilarious! This is exactly the type of stuff we are looking for at Funny or Die. Do you have some time over the next couple of weeks to speak to me about a potential writer’s position?


    1. Spanky says:

      Hey Rich, thanks for your support of the site and the job offer. Unfortunately, I’m too busy deteriorating in a cubicle on a weekly basis to become a writer. I’m close to the edge of my boundaries for living and I’ve been peeing blood as a result of my diminishing sense of happiness at work.


      1. Rich Weber says:

        Seems like you must really dislike your job! I think you’d have a much better time working at Funny or Die where you can express some of your creativeness. If you have time please email me back and we can set up a phone interview.


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