When Duke quarterback Daniel Jones was taken at number 6 by the New York Giants something seemed suspicious. He wasn’t the highest rated player on the board; that was Kentucky OLB Josh Allen, a can’t-miss defensive stud. He wasn’t even the highest rated quarterback on the board; that was Ohio State’s Dwayne Haskins. The pick was just strange considering they also owned the 17thpick and could have waited and taken Jones then. Something about this pick just smelled fishy and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Now maybe it’s just because Dave Gettleman is a senile old man who reeks of early onset dementia. I mean after all, he did trade Odell Beckham Jr. for a first a third and Jabrill Peppers. I coulda got more walkin’ into Little Vincent’s with a 20 dolla bill.
Now to really understand this story we must first get one thing straight. Archie Manning is the real shadow-commissioner of the league. He’s been calling the shots ever since Peyton got drafted. Look back at Eli’s trade after the draft, Peyton’s move to the Broncos and subsequent Super Bowl, Eli’s pair of Super Bowl upsets, Reese and McAdoo getting canned for benching Eli, and Kyle Lauletta getting arrested. Its pretty clear he’s really the guy calling the shots. So now when it’s time to find Eli’s heir apparent, who better than your own son.
This all started back in Peyton’s Sophomore year when I believe Archie Manning had an affair with Becca Jones. Archie foolin’ around with Daniel’s motha! This was Peyton’s first year as a starter. He played the first game of the season against East Carolina, a college located in Greensville, North Carolina, the state where Daniel was born. Jones was born shortly after this in 1997. Now Jones was originally committed to Princeton but eventually switched and committed to Duke after David Cutcliffe recruited him. This is where things smell fishier than the Cold Spring hawbah hatchery. This is despite Jones not being heavily recruited nationwide. The kid wasn’t even ranked by rivals.com. Interestingly enough David Cutcliffe is a close friend to Archie and coached BOTH Manning brothers. He was offensive coordinator to Peyton at Tennessee and head coach to Eli at Ole Miss. While Daniel Jones was in college he helped coach at that fuckin’ Manning Passing Academy in Louisiana. I’d personally like to see an investigation into that thing. It’s gotta be a tax shelter or something. Imagine that, Archie was hiding his love child and his taxes in the same place!
Now we get to the physical similarities. The face, the body language, the physical stature, it’s uncanny. He is a carbon copy of his older brother Eli. Just look at the picture of them side by side.
There’s no way these two aren’t related. Just look at the way they breathe outta their mouths togetha! Archie manning might think he’s slick hiding his illegitimate love child in plain sight but I’m all over this like tomato sauce on Grandma Vincenzo’s penne rigate. Anyway that’s all for now. Let’s hope Archie’s good genes can bring us another pair of rings.
-Sal “Salami Hands” Vincenzo