The Celtics Just Drafted A Kid Who Legitimately Does Not Play Basketball

Ok ok, let me just start by saying in Danny we trust. And now let me just say that I’m so fuckin confused. I love you Danny but please explain why the Celtics drafted a 25-year-old financial advisor from Dayton, Ohio?

If you saw the NBA draft last night, you probably saw Zion go #1 to the Pels, Ja Morant to the Grizzlies, yada yada yada. Everyone’s talkin about those two but there seems to be a lack of conversation surrounding what is, in my opinion, the biggest shock of the evening. The Celtics used their 14th overall pick on a guy named Jeremy Lombard, a financial advisor from Ohio who legitimately does not play basketball.

I mean what the fuck is happening right now. The kid never played college ball or even overseas. The kid never declared for the draft. He was not present at the draft. He had no fuckin highlight reel or player comparison. I mean, like, fuck. I am so dumbfounded. On the bright side, I guess they could’ve done worse.

This pick just seemed strange because the off-season was already off to a rocky start. Irving and Horford are heading elsewhere, and I just don’t see how a pasty 210lb accountant is gonna be a viable replacement for two all-stars. I almost feel bad for the kid. He seemed pretty lost in his interview after the press caught up with him at his home in Dayton.

When asked about how it felt to be picked 14th overall, Jeremy responded by saying “I don’t understand. I am speechless. I never declared for the draft nor did I ever think I would somehow get drafted. I am completely confused. I don’t play basketball and I’m actually pretty bad at it. I genuinely hope this is some sort of prank. I am not at all prepared to play in the NBA.”

As a Celtics fan, that definitely doesn’t give me a ton of hope but let’s see what this chubby math guy can do on the court.


-Jimmy O’Connor

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