Hello everyone! My name is Ramona Stephenson and this is my first post on Speaking In Unison! I’m so excited to be here, and before I start I just wanna give a big thanks to the site’s chief editor, Spanky.
Now, let’s begin. Are sneezing fits ruining your Saturday night boggle plans with your husband? Is your nose running faster than that Jamaican guy? Are you getting those unbearable headaches that keep you from the things you love, such as scrapbooking? If this sounds like you, there’s no need to worry. Ramona is here to help.
It’s cold and flu season, which means you better break out the 2-ply tissues and hot tea because honey, you feel like shit and you look like Laura Dern. Just a pale, sickly, scattered mess.
To avoid those awful flu-like symptoms, here are a few home remedies I’ve discovered throughout the years that absolutely work 100% of the time.
Shampoo. I know what you’re thinking. This sounds pretty ridiculous. How can a simple hair cleansing keep me healthy? Well we’re not washing our hair, people. We’re drinking shampoo like a smoothie. That’s right. Just about any drug store shampoo can serve as a cold medicine when blended with ice. Just take your ordinary Pert or Head & Shoulders and slap a healthy serving into your blender with a handful of ice and Voila! You’ve got yourself a wonderful-smelling anti-flu potion!
Asparagus. While eating asparagus can make urine in some people gain a nasty scent, inserting asparagus rectally can relieve common cold and flu symptoms. Just place a stalk of asparagus upright on your favorite chair or stool and take a seat. No more runny nose with that green veggie occupying your small intestine.
The Music of the Popular Band Cheap Trick. This method is great because it involves very little effort, unless you hate classic rock! For those of you who like to go totally vegan for your cold and flu solutions, just plug in your stereo and blast Surrender or Dream Police and you’ll notice a speedy solvent for your coughing and wheezing.
Stuffing your Body into a Guitar Case. Believe it or not but this is actually my go-to. My husband is a musician of sorts and luckily has a multitude of different instruments sitting in cases. Whenever I start to come down with a high fever, I sprint to the music room in my home and dive head first into an open guitar case. I’ve never felt any better than when I’m nestled tightly into a receptacle meant for an instrument half my size!
Calling the Police. Nothing gets rid of flu migraines like dialing 9-1-1. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve successfully cured my cold or flu by simply contacting the local or state police station. Be sure that the police actually arrive at your house as that is the only way your symptoms will dissipate. I usually like to fabricate a vulgar scenario for which I can’t be ignored. Perhaps I tell them I was raped or a homeless man threatened to slaughter my family. And the second those boys in blue show up on my doorstep, my sinuses are clear as day! And if the police ask why you made up such an egregious and awful lie, just tell ’em “Ramona made me do it!” They’ll understand.
For more of my proven home remedies for other ailments, check out my other articles on Speaking in Unison!